Do you ever hear yourself do the humble brag thing by saying “I’m a bit of a perfectionist” when talking about your very busy life?

You’re in good company. Though I claim to be a recovering perfectionist – emphasis on recovering – I still struggle with “my pursuit of excellence” on a daily basis.

I love working hard.  I find deep joy working, parenting, and living in a way that exudes excellence for the Lord.

And yet, if I am not careful, I will let my unrealistic expectations – absolute perfection – for myself and others steal my joy and hurt other people.

If I Want Something Done Right….

Just last week I found myself re-folding our kids’ laundry that my husband had folded the night before and left on the couch.  Why?  Because they weren’t folded how I like them – too loose for my taste. My justification was that they were going to fall apart in the drawer.  As I folded, I mumbled the classic phrase “if I want something done right, then I have to do it myself”.

Then later that day I heard myself complaining out loud about how I never had enough time in the day to get through my to-do list.

And that’s when I heard that small whisper (hello, Holy Spirit!) reminding me of how my husband had tried to take the laundry off my plate and yet I spent 15 minutes redoing something he had already done.

There it was again. My perfectionism rearing its ugly, sinful head.

Other perfectionist tendencies might be:

…me criticizing other parents’ parenting choices – like me silently judging a mom when her kid is throwing a tantrum.

…me exhausting myself trying to complete a project at an extremely high standard when no one really cares.

…me telling myself I SHOULD host a small group Bible study when my plate is already full.

Do this sound familiar?

That got me thinking about the ways perfectionism may show up in our daily lives without us even realizing it.

Ten Signs You Might be a Perfectionist

If the following traits describe you, you might be a perfectionist:

1. You expect perfection from yourself & others – Perfectionists place unrealistic expectations on themselves and others. Common attitude toward others include critique, judgment and disappointment causing relationships to suffer. You are Martha criticizing Mary to Jesus.
2. You don’t delegate because you “can’t” trust others to do a task correctly (ahem, folding laundry, maybe?). Perfectionists are often called control freaks. You see it as wanting to do something the job or task well.  Striving for excellence is your mantra.
3. You beat yourself up for mistakes or perceived failures. Perfectionists don’t see mistakes as learning opportunities.  When you make a mistake, you see it as proof that you are not good enough.  You are self-critical and find yourself feeling defeated after the smallest mistake.
4. You use the word “should” a lot. Perfectionist say, “I should do this,” and “They should do that, both out loud and as part of their inner dialogue. You believe there is always MORE you SHOULD be doing.  It leaves you in a perpetual state of striving and never quite feeling you are enough. You also impose your “shoulds” on other people and when they fail to follow your “rules”, you get upset.
5. You don’t take criticism well. Perfectionist tend to become defensive at the slightest hint of criticism. You work hard to appear that you have everything together.  When someone starts to criticize you or something you are involved with, you feel the need to control their perception by quickly defending yourself.
6. You have a hard time completing a project because you know it can ALWAYS be better. Perfectionist struggle to get anything done because they obsess over the smallest details and never consider anything complete.  You want any project or task to be your best work before revealing it – your website, blog post, meal, house décor etc…
7. Your self-worth depends on your achievement. Perfectionists feel good about themselves when they accomplish something or achieve something big.  If you experience one minor setback, make a mistake or perceive you have been rejected, it rocks you to your very core.  You may say things like “I guess I am not good enough to do ______”.
8. You avoid things that may lead to failure. Perfectionist choose to do things that will guarantee success.  You fear failure and it causes you to stick to what you know rather than risking looking “stupid” because you haven’t mastered the skills of something new.  This causes you to play small in life.  Those BIG dreams you have will remain a dream because you fear failure if you ever do pursue them.
9. You can’t celebrate your success.  Perfectionists don’t give themselves permission to celebrate a victory, accomplishment or success.  You are always finding the flaws in yourself and what you’ve accomplished.  You continue to criticize yourself by saying, “I should have done this better.”  You transfer this to working with other people and in teams.  Other people will be celebrating the success and you become the “Debbie Downer” by pointing out what could have been done better in your eyes.
10. You aren’t satisfied with your life. Perfectionist are rarely content with their life because their constant fear of failure and inability to recognize their successes, achievements, and growth. You say, “I’ll be happy when_____,” but that “when” never actually arrives because you are always finding something to criticize about yourself and moving the goal post of success.

 

If many of the traits above describe you, then it is likely that you are driven by a need for perfection is many areas of your life.

Friend, I want to assure you, that ALL of these traits have described me at different points in my life. So if you find yourself relating to any of these, you are not alone.

The Good News

Here’s the good news. The gospel (literally means “good news”) reminds us that our righteousness is in Christ alone.  That means that all of your futile attempts to achieve perfection is not going to make you good!  We are made right with God by putting our faith in Jesus Christ.

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. (Romans 3:22-25 NLT)

Now What?

If you identified yourself as a perfectionist, these unrealistic expectations, critical voices and worldly pursuit of acceptance will leave you depleted, stressed, and wrecked.

The answer is spending time in the presence of God daily through prayer, Bible reading, and worship.

Remind yourself each day of God’s grace by speaking God’s liberating truth over your life.  Here’s a few truths from the gospel to help you get started:

1. I never have to fear of losing God’s love because of something I do or don’t do.  (Romans 8:38-39)
2. I don’t have to measure up because no one is perfect, but Jesus. (Romans 3:23; Romans 3:10)
3. That condemning voice that whispers in my ear is not God. (Romans 8:1)
4. I don’t not have to earn God’s love, his grace, or my way to heaven because it is freely given.  (Romans 6:23)
5. I am a sinner and justified by his blood. (Romans 5:6; Romans 5:9)
6. I am righteous in Christ (Roman 5:18)

Know that I am praying for you, friend.

Father God, please be with my sisters in Christ who may be struggling with several or ALL of the perfectionist traits above.  You know that I am one them! Thank you for bringing awareness of these tendencies and please use the Holy Spirit to discern the difference between honoring God with excellence and  when we are:

• relying on our own strength,
• seeking approval of man/woman,
• trying to earn righteousness through “good works” or
• seeking worldly pursuits above God.

 

Remind each of us that our righteousness is in Christ alone. Thank you for Jesus and and your grace lavished upon through the redemptive power of his blood.

 In Jesus name, Amen.